When You’re Not Sure What to Work On: Setting Goals for Couples Therapy
When you're in a relationship that feels stuck, distant, or uncertain, even the idea of starting couples therapy or marriage counseling can feel overwhelming. You may not know what your goal is, or even whether you both want the same things. That’s okay. You don’t have to have it all figured out before beginning. In fact, discovering your goals for couples therapy is part of the therapy process itself.
Whether you’re navigating communication issues, rebuilding after infidelity, or simply trying to reconnect, couples therapy can help you explore both individual and shared goals in a supportive space.
In this article, we’ll walk through:
Common treatment goals for couples therapy
How a couples therapy treatment plan creates structure without pressure
Strategies for setting relationship goals together
What to expect when your goals aren’t clear yet
Let’s take the next step toward a more connected, thoughtful relationship together.
Why Do Couples Seek Therapy When They're Not Sure What They Need?
It’s more common than many people realize: couples beginning therapy are unsure of what to focus on, what their goals are, or even what they hope the outcome will be. That uncertainty doesn’t mean failure; it simply means you’re in the thick of something hard, and you’re trying to make sense of it together.
Couples may seek therapy when:
One partner feels emotionally distant or is considering leaving, while the other wants to stay
You’re caught in repeated conflict patterns that never seem to get resolved
You’ve lost the sense of connection or intimacy that once held you together
Past hurts like infidelity or broken trust linger just under the surface
You’re unsure how to move forward, but staying stuck feels even harder
In these moments, goal-setting can feel impossible. And that’s okay. Many couples begin therapy in a state of ambivalence or quiet distress, simply hoping for some clarity.
Therapy for couples can create a space where confusion is allowed, where both partners can express their thoughts and feelings without pressure to immediately fix or decide. As a structured, intentional process, it can help couples navigate uncertainty, reflect on their unique relationship, and slowly begin to identify both individual and shared goals.
You don’t need a polished plan; just a willingness to explore what’s really going on beneath the surface.
What are the goals of couples therapy?
The goal of couples therapy is to help you and your partner better understand each other, improve communication skills, and explore what’s needed for a healthier relationship.
What Are Treatment Goals for Couples Therapy?
In couples work, the goal of couples therapy isn’t to push an agenda - it’s to create space where both people can begin to name what matters most. As a couples therapist, part of my role is helping each partner gently uncover their thoughts, emotions, and hopes, even when they may feel tangled or unspoken.
Sometimes, this means slowing down enough to ask: What do I need? What hurts? What might healing look like?
In cases where one or both partners feel deeply unsure, individual therapy can also support the process. Exploring your own experiences separately may offer clarity that helps you return to the counseling sessions with more insight and intention.
Good goal setting in couples work doesn’t rush or pressure. Instead, it invites honesty and then builds a path forward together.
Common Relationship Goals in Couples Counseling Sessions
Therapy goals will vary for every couple, but some of the most common goals in therapy include:
Rebuilding trust or intimacy after emotional distance or betrayal
Learning to improve communication and navigate conflict more effectively
Clarifying whether to remain in the long-term relationship or part ways respectfully
Healing from past hurts, including infidelity or unresolved emotional injuries
Managing external stressors like parenting, caregiving, or financial tension
Adjusting to major life changes, such as moving, illness, or empty-nesting
Creating relationship goals is not about perfection. It’s about giving your relationship a chance to breathe, reflect, and realign, so you can move forward with more understanding and a deeper connection.
How a Couples Therapy Treatment Plan Supports the Process
When couples feel overwhelmed or uncertain, having a clear but flexible couples therapy treatment plan can offer much-needed structure. Rather than diving into all the pain at once, a treatment plan gently outlines the focus of your work, helping you move through hard conversations with more care and clarity.
A thoughtful plan may include:
Themes to explore (like communication, trust, or shared responsibilities)
Short-term goals to work on in between therapy sessions
Time to process individual experiences that shape the bond between partners
Periodic check-ins to reflect and adapt your goals in couples therapy
Structure can create emotional safety, especially during tender seasons. As Drs. John and Julie Gottman have found in decades of research, successful couples are not those without problems, but those who can create a structured, intentional space to address them.
And that’s what a plan does: it helps couples navigate challenges one step at a time, without feeling rushed or overwhelmed.
What should I focus on in couples therapy?
You can focus on whatever feels most important: resolving conflict, rebuilding intimacy, working through past hurts, or simply learning to talk with more honesty.
The Power of Shared Goals in Couples Therapy
Even tentative shared goals can become grounding points when things feel shaky. These aren’t always grand statements; they might simply be, “We want to argue less,” or “We want to feel more connected.”
Co-creating these goals with a counselor means:
Both partners’ voices are heard and respected
The therapy creates space for mutual reflection, not blame
The work stays aligned with your values and relationship problems
Over time, goals remain relevant and achievable, because they’re yours. They grow with you.
How the Goal of Couples Therapy Isn’t Always to Stay Together
Sometimes, the most honest goal of couples therapy isn’t about rebuilding the relationship - it’s about finding clarity. Not every couple enters therapy ready (or able) to restore the emotional connection they once shared. And that’s okay. Couples counseling can also be a space to thoughtfully explore whether parting ways might be the most compassionate next step.
This process isn’t about giving up. It’s about slowing down to understand what’s really happening before rushing into a decision. For some couples, that’s where discernment counseling becomes helpful. It allows one or both partners to explore their ambivalence with care, without pressure to “fix” the relationship if that doesn’t feel right.
Couples therapy can help clarify:
Whether the current relationship supports each person’s values and personal goals
If efforts to strengthen their bond have been exhausted or avoided
Whether separation could be a path toward individual healing
What kind of transition feels respectful, intentional, and steady
According to research published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, discernment counseling helped over 40% of mixed-agenda couples make a clear decision about staying or leaving, with reduced blame and greater emotional resolution.
A healthy relationship isn’t only defined by staying together; it’s also defined by how honestly and kindly we navigate hard truths. Whether you move forward side-by-side or separately, therapy provides a space for open reflection, effective communication, and emotional care, whatever path you choose.
What are some strategies for setting relationship goals?
Start small, stay honest, and name what matters. We’ll use tools and ideas from the Gottman Method and EFT to create goals that feel doable and meaningful, not overwhelming.
Let’s Begin Where You Are: Couples Therapy That Meets You in the Uncertainty
If you’re feeling unsure about what you want from couples therapy, you’re not alone. Many of the couples I work with come in feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or uncertain, but still hoping something can change.
In our couples counseling sessions, I draw from both the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help you and your partner better understand your patterns, improve communication, and reconnect with the emotional bond beneath the conflict. We go at a steady pace, creating space for reflection, honesty, and change, without pressure.
If you’re facing the possibility of separation and don’t know what direction to take, I also offer discernment counseling - a short-term, structured process designed to help you gain clarity about whether to stay or part, with care and intention.
Whether your goals are to rebuild, reconnect, or simply understand what’s next, I’m here to help you start with curiosity and compassion.
